I am a Gonzo Journalist
My name is Hyalmari and I wrote this that I'm going to show below, the dates maybe confusing, but at those days everything was confusing, everything was adrenaline, lies. Try to skip reality for a while and get inyected by the rush of being in to a festival representing a webmagazine that doesn't exist, but in my head. This testimony has no end, cause I lost the stream of being a human and Im too lazy to remember shit now. I wrote this completly wasted, so excuse the mistakes, the words were born fucked up:
Hovefestival report 28 juny 2010
It wasn' t difficult to get here. Just 2 buses from Oslo to Arendals, 1 boat to get to the island and go through all the people and their needs to sofocate their realities for at least the 4 days that the festival lasts.
I knew that I was going to have problems to get the damm wrist band.
There's always confusions at this point of the festival after 3 days of warming up the people. Speacially with a cheap-italian-gansta look a like guy triying to get the press accreditattion.
¨I'm sorry but your name is not in the sistem¨ the clerk girl said to me after cheking my ID on the little screen. Then I thought that I could be really out of any sistem for real in my life and not pay any fucking debt-bill forever.
Then I said to the pierced girl:
¨No, listen. I'm journalist that's the reason why I'm in front of you requesting my press-wrist-band, why should I be here then??? I HAVE A STORY TO WRITE DOWN!!!
¨ Everytime I have to say journalist I have to hold on the laughter attack that I always get.
¨I understand Sir, but if your name is not in the computer I can't do anything¨ She said already stressed out.
¨norwegian fucking robots¨I mumbled
¨Excuse me¨ She said
¨I said I'll call inmediatly your boss to fix the trouble¨ I answed her
Then I called him. Always ready fuck yeah!!!
When I had him on the phone I gave the phone to her, so they could fix the trouble and they did indeed.
With my wristband in hand ready to cover the festival I decied to meet again with my fellow sidekick. Gustavo Bisama, a Chilean speed-inspired artist who I became friend through my little bro.
He applied to the festival as a volunteer. I said to him that he could become my officiall "runner" to get the interviews backstage. The runners are supousse to spolil the journalist going backstage if they want make illegall things, for example hung around with the artist after the interviews.
so I named him my official runner
my official dealer of weed and speed
my pussy hunter
my official ally in this decadent and shamefull charade
I named him my suplementary brother
That's what I wanted to do, get wasted with the most artist I could meet to redact a surreal report
For that crusade I came to the festival with some basic stuff that Guru Thompsom could bring with him if he could just resurrect for just one last time
One Vodka Absolute
half liter of Jacky "chan" daniels
24 cans of beer
Handcuffs
Marihuana de la buena
Speed(or matarata as know in Norway)
Condoms(I was thinking in the singer of paramore to rip her arse up).
No acid though, but believe me, I really tried TO GET SOME
The day we got there was the last day of the warming up. so we went to hunt womans. Completly drunks already we went walking trough all the tents just crushing into any groups of persons.
Saddly for me, I realized the next day that the "woman" I fucked in between the forest was maybe a girl of 17 or 19.
With the day light next day I started to check that there were not womans older than 24 I think and I'm not too much in to fucking girls, I really like to get milfs to fuck.
Live is about to learn new shit, and not to babysit with the dick.
I remember the night ended up just like it was supouse to end
vomiting
fading out somewhere in the lasta day of the warm up
getting inside, through, the real sistem
the sistem that was going to last only 4 days
this state of mind that all of us should belong and not in a fucking computer screen
Hovefestival 29 juny 2010
I went to check the press office
I needed to get to the loo
My ass deserved a clean toilet.Is what I always think when I surf in to festivals. I just can not tolerate the toilets on the festivals, I'm too exquisite.
Lots of coffe and I already started to write shit down on my report. Half drunk and half naked having good sun all over my delicate skin.
I started the report writing bullshit, but after I while i just forgot everything.
looking around I found a girl with the face of jodie foster.
I aproached to start a chat. After a while of chatting she was asking help to make question for some bands that she was going to interview
It wasnt the first time that a real journalist asked me for help. In other festivals the journalists think about me as a relaxed guy who has everything under control. And yes I do. As I work for passion and not for money I control my deathlines and all the preasure. Then I give away my reports to anyone who want to read to different magazines all around the world.
It so ironic to help out people who have already wasted 4 years of their life to become journalist and I just wasted like 15 hours of my life in total watching Fear and Loathing in las Vegas to get the necessary to become a gonzo journalist. I do believe that they loose the esscence through the years. Then they have to cover what they are told to do so. Well they get paid and I dont. Life is fair I think.
The bands I checked were metal almost and altyernatives so here are the reviews
Kvelertak(norway)
Second time I hear this band. I sensed their energy, but became bored after 30 minutes
6 pictures of Mucha of 10
Alexis on fire
"Respect the band of man who plays and bring lots of womans to watch them play cool riffs and energetic music. Dallas got a good voice to sing crap"
i give them 7 playgirls magazines out of 10
Paramore
I tried to get backstage to rip the ass of the girl, but my runner were fucking some girls at the time, so I couldt get tto backstage this time
who cares about their music? I just hate band promoting their latest albums on stage, if their gonna try to sell, better do it in the fishmarket
5 fishes out of 10
Muse
Sharp performance. The songs I knew were sang properly. nothing more than coolness about this band. great lights effects.
8 light bulbs out of 10
Empire of the sun
Cool show. I was already wasted in the concert. As I write this the clouds are going away and the sun is hitting me hard. The show gave me the chance to get laid with a really interesting woman so for that i give them 10 sun of 10
Thanks to the Empire of the sun I got laid
Beatifull half chinesse and norwaegian woman. I really nice body for her age,34. Full of asian inspired tatoos all around her back. It was really funny how I ended up with this one. she was hooking up with a british guy all the concert. Kissing in a strange way. She hold up the face of the guy with her fingers. I asked why? and she said that she was teaching the guy how to kiss, what I reply can try?. Well it was more than easy to hook up that one. But whos the fuck uses time to teach another ones to kiss in concert...maybe only in Norway.
I said to the the woman the next day
if that guy didnt know how to kiss, what could expect your pussy about it?
Hovefestival 30 of juny
Whats the proper way to cover a festival for a journalist?
I feel sad for the ones working here at the press tent. Sweating blood under the fucking deathlines.
Sweating insomnis through their eyes. And me sweeting the alcohol drank the last night. Here having a cool tant on my skin, beer in hand and writing this crap. No need for deathlines to create a report. No need to be a real journalist to be here.
Note: What I wrote in gmail ends here, from now on im transpassing from the note book i carry always
The rookie ask me where was my computer.
I answerd sourranded by sweaty people typing on their little screens> What? Do I look like some carrying weight every where? I write at home, I pick up the notes in paper and recording the voices with mobil phone.(actually Im writing all this shit today 15 of januar of 2011Laughter out Loud looking in to the notes what a fucking coincidence hahahahaa)
How can you cover a festival, explaining other people wastedness if you are not wasted yourself? If you been in a Festival you know what I mean. All those crazy images in the papernews of the magazine of the festival you were. Im talking 6 days up festivals like Roskilde for example, Here at hove they got also the newspaper. All those faces of wastedness are taken by sober journalist. All the text that it’s attached it’s asober idea. If had to be in a Festival writing news I couldt, just beacuse it sucks to waste time writing while other people have fun and Im not having. Its better to write a report later, even if nobody its gonna read it, even if its for a fake magazine.
The rookie journalist, she got a name, her name was Malin. She got potential, she asked what kind of question or how to interview artists. She was a Photographer. And never did an interview with a band. My expierence interviewing Omar Rodriguez Lopez from The Mars Volta at Roskilde the year Ago and Mr Steven Wilson from Porcupine Tree in Barcelona or the time I interview ENVY from Japan gave me more experience than Journalist that goes to make the practice in their programs in the university(to dont mention the smoked joints with more other people , for example with Thomas Pridget from The Mars Volta in Barcelona, but only did that that day, I couldn’t sneak in that time)
I said to Malin, you know what?
A journalist should travel as light and possible, no computers. Too much stress with that, unless you were sponsored by a computer company and you go and waste some of them in order to sneak everywhere if you don’t get the accreditation , you know? Jump over a something you know to just go through you know?
Then she said me
What are you talking about?
Don’t mind it I said, just don’t mind it
Well, im tired now, I ll transpass more tomorrow, or maybe in a few hours and who give a shit?
